i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Life is so much better after having sex.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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