If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
