It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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