You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
