mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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