I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
