New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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