i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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