Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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