Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
