I'm gonna have a badass scar
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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