fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
