8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
