Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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