Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
