Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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