When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
