I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
