Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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