dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
