mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
