The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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