I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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