i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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