this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
