So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
