babies were throwing up all over the place
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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