I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dick very happy bro
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
