I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
