Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
