On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
