You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
