peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just blew my weed a kiss
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
