anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
