i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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