I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
