CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
