I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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