Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
