just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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