Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
