We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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