I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
