Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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