just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
