And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
