I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
