I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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