I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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