being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
