Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
