I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
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