You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
