just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
