Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
