i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize