it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm eating all of the evidence.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
