last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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