Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
