My underwear smells like fireworks.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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