Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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