got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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