Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Dick very happy bro
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
