His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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