I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He shit in the fireplace
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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