TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
